funny how things change, huh?

I don't know why I'm here

I miss him

he's really far away and he stopped answering my texts

I'm worried

I can't sleep

I want to hold him and I want to be held

I'm so sad.

save your money, buy a car, are you going to college? where are you going what do you want to do after high school set some goals and beware of fraud trust no one build up a financial castle quit buying stupid things ask for more hours earn more money study harder apply for scholarships save yourself for marriage why are you giving up you used to be so happy what happened to you are you going to college did you apply anywhere yet oh my god it's getting so late you should really apply soon before time 

runs

out.

I received the following text at 2:33am on September 29, 2011:

"I love you baby :) you're the only one I ever wanna

be with and I hope you wake up and realize

you're the only one that will forever and always hold a place in my heart

and no other girl can ever take your place.

and just so you know I'm really mean to all these bitches here,

especially when they try to use my friends for alcohol hahahaha"

Cute overload, cute overload! Can we just like, get an cheap apartment and live together forever? Can I just fall asleep and wake up next to you every day?

Maybe I just make things more difficult than they have to be. I was too upset to go to school today.

Or maybe I just suck at relationships. Probably. I mean, I try to be a good girlfriend. I don't know.

I want to die.

I just realized how depressed I would become if you ever left me. I would honestly be a wreck, not like a train or a car wreck, but like two cruise ships filled with people crashed into each other and everyone drowned. That kind of wreck.

Please don't forget about me when you're in college. I love you so much.

I'd just be so depressed...

I got you a goddamn present and spent my goddamn time making you goddamn cookies and spent my goddamn money so you can be goddamn happy and now you're being a goddamn bitch.
Goddamn.
SERIOUSLY GODDAMN.

I can't believe you were leaning in to kiss me when John was right there.
Even if he wasn't there, you'd still be a dick.

I'm just ready to put this in the past and keep it there, but now John wants to know what's going on and this is just bullshit. Thanks, thanks a lot (she said in a very sarcastic tone).

drunk texting

I could kill myself right now.
So I got a bit tipsy and decided to text Zack, calling him an asshole. Naturally, he asked who I was, and I didn't answer my phone when he tried calling me... Anyways. We played a sort of twenty questions, and he found out who I was. Now I feel like the asshole.
I don't really know if he is lying to me, but he said that he's been "depressed" everyday since he decided to break up with me. He also said that he almost cries everytime someone mentions my name... Jesus Christ what have I done to this kid? I feel terrible.
I told him how much it hurt me that he chose baseball over me.

I don't know what I'm doing. I was completely sober by the time I was accepting his apology. But I'm really happy that I contacted him. I really do feel so much better about myself now. I really hope we can put this behind us someday, I really do. I don't think I could ever be friends with him again, but to be okay with eachother would just be dandy.

But what have I done to him? What has he done to me? Did we both leave this situation emotionally screwed? Who knows.... who knows...

That's enough.

this is not happiness

                                   this

is 

misery.